How to Apologize Better than the Pope

Apologies can be done well or poorly.

Last week the Vatican issued an apology that has been criticized as unsatisfactory. The apology was in response to the pope uttering a derogatory word in a meeting. One commentator characterized the apology as “empty and conditional and smarmy as any statement of apology might be.” (Dictionary: smarmy = “ingratiating and wheedling in a way that is perceived as insincere or excessive.”)

Public apologies tend to make tantalizing headlines. Even on espn.com, an apology by an athlete, coach, or athletic director is often prioritized as a lead headline. Perhaps we’re drawn to these headlines because they smell of controversy, or they make us feel better about ourselves knowing that high-profile individuals make mistakes and have to say they’re sorry.

Apologizing is not easy. It involves swallowing your pride and admitting fault. It’s humbling to apologize. Sometimes apologies are issued as a pragmatic necessity, to put out a fire. Most of us won’t have to make a big public apology in front of a microphone or through a written press release. Most of our apologies will be person-to-person, seeking to repair a damaged relationship.

How do you apologize well? Here are some scripturally sound principles:

A good apology owns sin. It doesn’t make excuses. I am responsible for my actions. If my actions hurt someone else, I have sinned.

A good apology is not conditional. It’s not “I’m sorry if I offended you” but “I’m sorry that I hurt you by my words/actions.”

A good apology aims to restore. In the church, we use the terms confession and forgiveness. We confess our sins to one another, and we forgive each other. “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another.” (James 5:16) There is healing power in confession and forgiveness.

A good apology is followed by changed behavior. Otherwise, the apology is empty. When a person apologizes multiple times and never changes for the better, it becomes hard for another person to take the apology seriously.

A good apology is not offered to “purchase” forgiveness. A apology is given because it’s the right thing to do. Even if the other person is not open to forgiving you – which can be very painful – God is always faithful to forgive us when we repent of our sins. You can be at peace knowing that you are forgiven – by the One whose opinion matters the most, God. His forgiveness is ours by grace through faith in Christ.

Any other attributes of a good apology you’d add?